I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Liz is crying about burritos again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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