3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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