Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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