We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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