i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
