i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
