what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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