New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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