Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
