***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My penis needs a shock collar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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