i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
