I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
