"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
