Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Dicks are not precious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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