i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
