we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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