Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
