My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
