how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
