I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
