Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
