I am puke
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
