omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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