I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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