actually, I'm a sock model
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
