your parents love me but you hate me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
