Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
