she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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