did you get engaged???
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
