We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
