I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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