My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
