dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
