the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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