i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
