peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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