Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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