Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
