The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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