Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
