Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
