Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
