So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
