theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
