Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
