Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
