did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
