Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
