thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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