Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
