...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
