nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
