She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
