when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
