maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
