I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
