Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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