i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize