Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
